(BONG!)
Would you stop doing that, Beth. You're giving me a headache.
- We're not going to fit in there! - Yes, we are.
- You have a computer at the wheel here! - Lovejoy!
They're beautiful! I don't know what to say, Gordon.
I mean, I thought you were still married.
Of course I'd like to see you.
It's just... Well, it's been such a long time. Where are you phoning from?
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Hold on... Come in!
The wonders of technology.
All right, Beth?
- Brain like a computer?! - You haven't paid for it.
I will once this lot pay me.
There'll be tears before bedtime!
O ye of little faith!
I mean, the restaurant want this gong for their centrepiece.
It cost three grand, which I don't have, so I gave the owners a cheque.
Now I'll cop five grand from Planet Pinewood, take the cheque back,
and give them three grand in cash. It's good business.
What can go wrong?
You see, Mr Banner, if we tilt it sideways, we can...
- No, keep it there... - I'm telling you, it won't fit.
Mr Banner...
All we need do is unscrew the gong from the frame and then we can...
And what am I supposed to stand it on? A chair?! You should have measured it!
The window! We can get it through the window.
If you expect me to take out that window, you got another think coming.
We open tomorrow.
- Get that thing in or get out of here. - WOMAN: Mr Banner! Telephone!
Mmm-mmm-mmm...
Brain like a computer?
I just do a bit of freelance advisory work now.
Write a couple of columns for the big auction house brochures.
Insure your inheritance, that sort of thing.
I'm impressed, Charlotte. You've done incredibly well.
It's preview day. We have a sale tomorrow.
I thought your insurance company went public.
It did... and crashed. Luckily I was well out.
Still, cost me my marriage.
Yes. I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be. It's opened up all sorts of interesting possibilities.
Like what?
That rather depends on you.
Miss Cavendish? ...Excuse me.
There's a Mr and Mrs Tabor to see you.
(SHE SIGHS)
LOVEJOY: Be fair, I did ask you to measure it.
MAN: We did! You told us to measure the gong and we did.
You didn't tell me there was a frame round it.
You didn't ask! If you'd have asked us to measure the frame, we would have done.
It didn't have one in the films, did it?
Of course it didn't. That's the magic of cinema.
Now, come on, be sensible. How else is it gonna stand up?
- This is ridiculous. - You're telling me!
Look, Mr Bridges, the problem is this.
Planet Pinewood don't want it. I don't want it. You don't want it.
Surely we can come to some sort of an arrangement.
We already have done, and cheap at the price. £3,000. Look,
if you can't sell it, Lovejoy, tough tittie. That's your problem.
That's quite remarkable. She could almost be your sister.
Perhaps you have some Polish blood in you!
Not unless it's Polish Home Counties!
(ALL LAUGHING)
It is very striking, though. Are you sure you don't want to put it in for auction?
We've thought about it,
but I'm afraid my wife would prefer to sell it privately...
if possible.
I think you'd find it would fetch considerably more at auction.
I know. I know.
I have told Anna that, but...
Well, there are personal reasons.
I know it's not good business.
Um... how much were you hoping for?
Oh, yes. It's the original gong, Tommy. I can guarantee you that.
Yes. Yes, it is big. That's part of its charm.
- Lovejoy, you were supposed to sign... - Later, OK? ...It's a steal, Tommy.
- Lovejoy! Lovejoy! - Hold on, Tommy.
You were supposed to sign this two weeks ago.
I'm gonna lose my place at college.
And I'm losing three grand. Now, later, OK?
Now, where was I, Tommy? I said five grand.
I'm not an unreasonable man. Let's make it four-and-a-half grand
and I'll get my YTS trainee to wash your car.
(WHISPERING) Make us a cup of tea. ...What do you think of that, Tommy?
Tommy? Tommy?!
It's about all I'm good for, innit?
Ohhh! Would you believe it?!
Thank you for a lovely supper, Gordon.
Hm-mm. Do you know, I could murder a cup of coffee.
(SHE CLEARS HER THROAT)
Let's not rush things, Gordon.
I mean, I still think of you and Jean as friends.
Well, you know what they say. Friends should always be lovers too.
That is a seriously bad chat-up line, Gordon.
Sorry. I'm afraid I'm seriously out of practice.
- There's someone else, is there? - Not so as you'd notice, no.
Oh. OK.
Come to supper tomorrow. Goodnight.
- It's 12 foot and it's in its own frame. - Can you sign this?
Not now, Tink. Sorry about that. No, it's not Ming, sir,
but in an Indian restaurant, who's going to notice the difference?
I'd like you to hold this thought, sir.
We may be a small company, but we pride ourselves on our integrity.
I'm pleased to hear that, Lovejoy.
You'll have an explanation for this dud three-grand cheque, then, won't you?
This account, it doesn't exist.
Lovejoy Holdings closed seven years ago. Luckily, Mr Bridges checked.
- I offered him the gong back. - He doesn't want King Gong!
He wants his money. Is he going to get it or not?
It's business. I'm not trying to rip him off.
You buy, you sell, you buy it back, you sell. It's rolling-credit business.
It's fraud. You've got four days, Lovejoy, the time it'll take this cheque to clear,
- four days, or you're nicked. - Do me a favour, Dennis.
I am! By rights, I should be nicking you now. Have a nice day!
- Lovejoy, can you sign this? - Not now, Tink! Gongs come first.
If you don't get in touch with her college supervisor, she could lose her place.
If I don't sell the Jolly Bronze Giant, I might lose this place.
Hello?
I thought this was supposed to be a romantic dinner for two.
You were thinking with the wrong part of your anatomy, Gordon...
(HORN HOOTS)
All right?
What do you think this is?
Let me try a wild guess!
- It's a gong. - Close - but no cigar.
This is the Rank gong as used by Bombardier Billy Wells
in all those classic British films.
- (BONG!) - I don't want it.
I didn't ask you to buy it yet.
- No, but you will. - Is there some sort of problem?
No more than usual. Lovejoy, this is Gordon Fitzalan.
- How do you do? - I'm just hunky-dory, Gordon.
So I can't tempt you, not even for auction, eh?
- Well, it's hardly an antique, is it? - It will be by the time I get rid of it.
Lovejoy, I've got something I want to show you. Come in and have a drink.
- Charlotte, we do have guests. - It's all right, I'm house-trained.
You know, I'm beginning to think I'd be better off out of it, anyway.
Maybe me dad was right.
No.
I mean, what sort of career prospects have I got here anyway?
An A-level in ducking and diving?
Fat lot of good that is.
You can't learn about life from a book.
It's not just the college business, Tink.
If I really felt like he appreciated me, it'd be different.
He does!
You know the trouble with Lovejoy, Beth,
he's just too damn proud to ask for help.
Yeah?
Well, I'm beginning to think he wouldn't even notice if I wasn't around.
It's very nice. Polish, 18th-century. Orlowski.
And you're going to put it into auction?
My wife was hoping to sell it privately.
Um... call me an old cynic, but that doesn't make a great deal of sense.
I don't understand. What are you suggesting?
I'm suggesting that you could get a lot more money for this painting at auction
than you could by selling it privately.
You're quite right, Mr Lovejoy.
We have been rather less than frank with you.
(SIGHING) It's pride, really.
My father was part of Polish aristocracy.
In fact, this painting is one of the few things of value we have left.
It may be foolish, but we'd prefer our friends didn't know
we've been forced to sell off what was left of our heritage.
Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to pry.
Please. I would have had exactly the same reaction.
That's why we're so adamant that anyone interested in the painting
must have it independently authenticated and valued.
That could be arranged.
- Er... I take it you are qualified? - Yes!
I know a man who is. 150 - cash.
- 150? A bit steep, isn't it? - Nice meeting you all.
Anna, Mark, Gordon... Bring it over tomorrow, Charlotte.
This is early 1790-92,
but no' a bad wee piece of work.
You could get 20 grand for this today.
20 grand? Excuse me a sec.
Right, we're quids in, kid.
You buy for 12, we sell for 20 - life is sweet.
Who says I want to sell it?
If I buy this, it won't be just as an investment.
It'll be because I love it. I'm going to keep it.
Charlotte, we're talking about eight grand profit here. This is business!
Typical! You know your trouble, Lovejoy?
You can't see past your wallet. There's more to life than money, you know.
You would say that, wouldn't you? You're the one driving an XJS.
It's not my fault you're driving a pick-up truck.
Charlotte, you're supposed to be in the business of selling antiques,
not collecting them.
Don't tell me what I'm supposed to be! It's my painting.
No, it's not.
You haven't bought it yet.
If that's a threat, Lovejoy, do your worst!
Charlotte, I didn't mean it like that.
(SIGHS)
I didn't mean it like that, Doogie.
- Life's a bummer, Lovejoy... - (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
...and that's a fact. - (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
And there goes your lift.
Hello?
- Charlotte? - CHARLOTTE: Lovejoy?
Mm-hm.
What are you doing here? How did you get in?
The door was open. Everything all right?
Yes, yes, fine. Why shouldn't it be?
Well, Kate said you weren't feeling well, that's why you left early.
Yes. Yes, I've got a bit of a headache.
- I was having a lie down. - In your tennis gear?
- Hmm? - In your tennis gear.
Yes! I thought the exercise might do me good.
Did it?
Not really. Look... Anyway, I've got a...
Well, I just wanted to apologise about our misunderstanding this morning.
And I also wanted to ask...
Charlotte, darling, got any hair conditioner?
Oh...
No hurry, darling. See you in a minute.
I know what you're thinking, Lovejoy, but you're wrong.
We were just playing tennis.
Ask him where he hides his racquet!
Beth?
Beth!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, hello again!
What a wonderful place!
Do you live and work here?
Helps keep the expenses down.
You're not married, then.
Um... no.
No, I'm not.
Do you want to see me?
Yes.
It's really very embarrassing.
I should have brought my husband, but... well... I...
I wanted to thank you personally for your help in selling the painting.
- Did Charlotte buy? - £12,000 - cash.
- It's a great relief, I can tell you. - I'm very pleased.
Thank you.
I should go.
(PHONE RINGS)
That's bad timing.
Another time.
Hello?
Lovejoy? Dennis.
Oh, Dennis...
What's happening, Lovejoy?
Work-wise, very little, but my social life's interesting.
Yeah. About the gong. I've just left Bridges.
He is not a happy camper.
The gong...
I'm working on it.
Yeah? Well, work on it by Friday.
That's your deadline. I'll be seeing you, Lovejoy.
(DENNIS HANGS UP)
(SIGHS)
Oh-h!
(GROANS)
TINK: Did you ask Charlotte?
(SIGHS)
It was not an opportune time.
I didn't think she'd want to mix business with pleasure.
- You haven't shifted that gong yet. - Oh, Lord!
What else can go wrong?
Oh, brace yourself.
- What's this? - Beth.
She jacked it in.
- Oh, no! - Yeah.
She feels that I did not appreciate her enough.
Did you call the college?
Oh, Lovejoy! What are you going to do?
I'd slit my wrists if I could afford a razor.
Oh, come on! She's part of the team. You've got to do something.
Why don't you telephone her?
Tink, I'm just about up to here with advice at the moment.
- I know you're trying to help but... - Lovejoy...
(SHOUTING) Will you just leave it, Tink! Just leave it!
(GROANS)
(WATER SPLASHES)
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry.
I had to come.
- What time is it? - 11 o'clock.
It's all right. No-one knows I'm here.
What a surprise, eh?
Is it?
I thought...
You said, "Another time." I thought you wanted me to come.
Yeah, I...
I did say that, didn't I?
That's a nice... a nice fur coat, Anna.
- I hope it's not real. - It's fake.
But underneath...
Um...
...Anna...
You're a very... very beautiful woman,
but...
...I think we have just one problem here.
You're married, right?
And your husband's a very... He's a very big fellow.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry... - Hmm?
I can't help it.
He'd kill me if he knew.
I can't help it.
I can't help it...
(GLASS BREAKING)
(ENGINE STARTS UP)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
(GONG IS BOOMING OUT)
Do me a favour!
What's going on?
LOVEJOY: What is going on?
Dennis?
- What's going on? - That's what I'd like to know.
(LOVEJOY GROANS)
Five o'clock this morning, Lovejoy,
someone breaks into Charlotte Cavendish's house,
knocks her down and steals a valuable painting.
- Charlotte? - She's fine. Concussion, that's all.
Just listen - haven't got to the good bit yet.
We have reason to believe you were there last night.
That's a joke, Dennis.
- Do you see me laughing? - A joke...
We have a witness saw your van at the scene of the crime.
- It's a lie, an absolute lie. - Really?
It was Charlotte Cavendish herself.
I think you'd better get dressed, don't you?
I suppose you're going to tell me the fairies did this.
The paint matches the paint on the Cavendish gatepost.
Now, what's going on, Lovejoy?
I mean, this isn't you.
Dennis...
...I was here.
And then...
It's a total blank. Dennis, this is the truth. I really mean it.
Mr Hardwick, sir. He had it shoved behind the back of a wardrobe, sir.
Read him his rights.
BETH: Excuse me! Are you calling me a liar?
MAN: That's exactly what I'm calling you.
Look, he was with me last night, and that's the truth.
Excuse me.
(WHISPERING) What are you doing?
Providing an alibi. Just back me up, whatever I say.
Um... if I could make a suggestion?
Take Pinocchio here for a walk outside till she calms down.
We don't want her joining Lovejoy in the cells, do we?
- Dennis, she's only trying to help. - Well, she's not. She's lying.
Look - we've got a witness, evidence, motive.
He needed the money to pay off Bridges.
If you really want to help him, get him to tell the truth.
If he's got an alibi, that's great, believe me. Otherwise, he's going down.
- Can we see him? - Officially, no.
Five minutes.
Long time no see.
Yeah.
We've got to stop meeting like this, eh?
I'm sorry, Lovejoy.
No.
It was me, not you. I'm sorry.
- You didn't do it, did you, Lovejoy? - Of course I didn't.
At least, I don't think I did.
Most of the evening's a total blank to me.
- What about this alibi? - Anna Tabor.
She and her husband sold the painting to Charlotte.
She turned up with some champagne to say thank you.
So?
She's got a very novel way of saying thank you.
- What do you mean? You? - Yeah.
Well, I think so.
I must have, mustn't I?
But now you know why I can't say anything.
I mean, if her husband finds out, he'll kill her... and me.
You're going to have to tell them.
Well, at least we got the painting back.
Yes... (SIGHING)... but at what cost?
Darling, the man's a waste of space. Deserves everything he gets.
He tries to force you to sell the painting so he can get a cut, and when you refuse,
- he knocks you down and steals it. - Is that true?
- Of course it's true. The man was livid. - I was talking to Miss Cavendish, sir.
Did Lovejoy actually try and get you to sell the painting?
Yes.
Her name is Anna Tabor. She's married.
I didn't want her husband to find out.
It should never have happened, Dennis.
In fact, I'm not even sure that it did.
And she can confirm your story?
Yeah, just be discreet. I don't want her husband to know.
Lovejoy said what?!
Look, I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
If anything did happen, believe me, it won't go any further.
Mr Hardwick, I am a happily married woman.
I am not in the habit of sleeping with complete strangers.
- Yes, of course I understand. It's... - Do you?
What's more, I do not take very kindly
to my name being used as some sort of sleazy alibi,
especially behind my husband's back.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
(SIGHS)
(DOORS LOCKING AND UNLOCKING)
WOMAN: In view of the serious nature of this offence,
we feel justified in imposing an exclusion order, Mr Lovejoy.
You are to make no attempt to approach or contact Miss Cavendish in any way.
Bail is set at £1,200.
Well, 1,200 quid! How are we going to come up with that?
BETH: You can't, Tink! It's your pension.
Lovejoy'll never accept it.
What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve.
I'm sorry! You really can't be serious!
This character Lovejoy robs Charlotte
and now you want her to stand bail for him?
We need him out on bail to prove he didn't do that.
We've got surety. We're not asking for charity.
Good! Because I'm afraid you're not going to get any.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Gordon, please!
Tink, I saw the van.
He had the painting.
You don't really think he did it, do you?
(SIGHS)
Well, what else can I think?
I'm sorry. I can't. Look, Gordon says it wouldn't be legal.
Never turn your back on a friend, Charlotte,
cos when you eventually turn back, they ain't gonna be there!
(PHONE RINGING)
I'm sorry.
Just a second.
You said you had something as surety.
I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why would you want to help?
I don't. I just want to have a look, that's all.
Mm...
Cartier.
Right, how much do you want for it?
Hold on! I don't want to sell it.
I want to use it as surety.
Beggars, unfortunately, can't be choosers. I'll give you 1,200.
Well, I don't know how you did it, but thank you.
That's all right.
What's the plan?
Don't ask me. All I remember is a woman in a fur coat with no knickers.
- That's not what you said before. - Just a figure of speech, Tink.
She stood there with a bottle of champagne in one hand and two glasses in the other.
The rest is a blur.
- Maybe she slipped you a Mickey Finn. - I don't know why she'd have to.
I was half-cut and wasn't exactly playing hard to get.
What other explanation is there?
I don't know.
Maybe she's frightened of her husband.
- I don't believe that. - You would if you saw the size of him.
- I'll have a word with her. - No, you won't.
You can't. You're housebound.
And we don't want no more interfering with the witnesses, now, do we?
Don't worry, I'll be tactful.
Look, we're both in a hurry, so excuse me for not beating about the bush here.
I mean, we're both women of the world, right?
If you feel you need a bit of extracurricular activity,
good luck to ya, only trouble is, though,
if you keep lying about it never happening,
Lovejoy's gonna go down for something he didn't even do.
Let me tell you something. That man deserves everything he gets.
Not content with stealing the painting,
he tries to soil my reputation... Mark!
Miss Taylor here is a friend of Lovejoy's.
She's convinced I was with him on the night of the robbery.
Look, he's innocent.
It's all right, Miss Taylor. I know what Lovejoy's been saying.
My wife already told me.
And that's how I know he's lying.
You see, Anna was with me on the night of the robbery.
It was our anniversary.
We had a celebration dinner sent up to the room. Check it if you like.
Yeah. Dinner for two. Champagne and roses, the works.
Must have more money than sense.
What do you mean, she won't speak to me?
I just want to explain something to her, Gordon. Gordon?
I've had enough of this harassment. I'm phoning the police.
Gordon!
Don't try and stop me, darling. It's for your own good.
- This is my house. I live here! - I'm sorry, darling. Are you upset?
Stop bossing me about! And stop calling me bloody darling!
- Lovejoy! - I'm off to Charlotte's right now
- to sort this Gordon geezer out. - What about your bail?
They'll be adding murder to it in a minute!
Hang on. Hang on!
If I was the last person to drive this truck, how come my feet
are at least six inches off the pedals?
Mark Tabor! He's at least 6 ft 6 if he's an inch!
You're saying that he stole the painting from Charlotte and dumped it on you?
Why? Because he found out you'd been with his wife?
I'm not sure if I was. I think you're right. I think she slipped me something.
And anyway, how did he know that Anna was with you,
if he was robbing Charlotte at the same time?
Why are they both telling lies?
Lovejoy, she's sticking to her story.
Right, get in.
Well, just as I thought, they've gone.
- Did they leave a forwarding address? - Oh, yeah!
Care of the Lenin Shipyards, Gdansk. Do you believe that?
Right, Lovejoy, home. It's past your bail time.
Tinker, first thing tomorrow, you do the Polish Embassy,
see if anyone has heard of them.
I'll try the boys in blue.
Um... who's in charge of this investigation?
Well, you can't do it. You're persona non gratia mate.
- Grata! - You know what I mean.
I hate to say it, but she is right.
And this van will have to go, an' all. It's too conspicuous.
The Tabors will recognise it.
(POSH ACCENT) Yes, diamond earrings.
We found them whilst we were cleaning the room.
Mrs Tabor must have dropped them.
Oh, that's terribly kind of you, Constable.
Oh, um... the hotel manager was in a bit of a panic
after mislaying their forwarding address.
Sussex Farm...
Lowestoft.
Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Tink.
Get this. Count Tabor does exist
but he definitely had no daughter,
so whoever Anna Tabor claims to be, she's lying.
BETH: I haven't had the last one yet.
TINK: At least you're travelling in style.
- Arthur Codling, who's he, anyway? - Purveyor of fine fish.
It smells like something died in here.
Oh, stop complaining. It didn't cost us anything.
They might not see us coming, but they'll certainly smell us. Eh-up!
BETH: I knew it!
LOVEJOY: Who's lover boy, then?
TINK: What's in that package?
OK, Lovejoy, they're on the move.
Who's going to be mother?
(BANGING)
He's shutting up shop.
- I'm going down. - I'll join you.
Hey! No offence, Tink, but it took you a half-hour to get up here.
You're a liability, mate.
Now, you stay here and have your tea.
This is a job for youth.
(INDISTINCT)
(CLATTERING)
There's somebody out there.
Come on!
I'll check the studio.
I've told you. There's no-one out here. Stop panicking!
(WHISPERING) Sssh. This is a job for grown-ups.
So there I was, quaking in me boots, and along comes Superman here!
- You're sure it was the Orlowski? - Yeah.
Except how could it be, cos the police took it back to Charlotte's.
We saw it.
No, they must have a copy, for some reason.
Beth... you're a genius.
Tinker, don't you ever take this girl for granted again. Come on. Come on!
It is very simple.
You find a gullible punter,
then you spin them a yarn
and then you offer them the Orlowski cheap, for cash.
Not only that, but you insist that they keep it
and have it authenticated and valued for their own peace of mind.
The punter thinks they're getting such a bargain, they snap it up.
- Then you steal it back. - Really! This is a total fabrication!
- The police found the painting on him. - I'm coming to that bit, Sherlock.
Not only do you steal it back again,
you also lead a trail of incriminating evidence pointing to a fall guy - me.
Are you saying the Tabors stole the painting and set you up?
- Exactly. - Oh! This is ludicrous!
The Tabors sell a valuable painting,
steal it back and then leave it where the police can find it?
- What exactly are they going to gain? - Absolutely nothing.
Except if the painting that the police find isn't the original one,
which this isn't. This is a fake. It's been switched.
What?!
You think about it, Charlotte.
Why should you be suspicious of this? You've had it authenticated, haven't you?
You're just pleased to have it back.
Well, it's unbelievable!
How did you find out about all of this?
I didn't. Beth did.
Darling, darling, this is total nonsense.
The painting is genuine. I'd stake my life on it.
Would you like to put your money where your mouth is?
- What? - £1,200?
What are you talking about?
It's a private arrangement between Gordon and myself.
- Fine. £1,200. - You're a good sport.
Just hold on a minute! What exactly do you think you are doing?
There's only one way to find out, Gordon, isn't there?
Beautiful.
Look at the craftsmanship. The colours and the patina of ageing.
Perfect.
Bent as a nine-bob note.
Yes!
- Hang on! You said it was perfect. - It is.
Pardon my ignorance, but I work in insurance.
If it's so bloody perfect, how can you tell it's a fake?
Oh, I can't. Not from the painting.
It's the stretcher on the back.
It's what keeps the canvas taut.
Orlowski always had his stretchers handmade by the same local carpenter.
Now, yon carpenter was very proud of this and he initialled them all.
He hid them under here. This one's missing.
Oh, big deal!
He probably forgot or it got damaged or lost, or something.
- Oh, aye, that's possible. - Well, there you are, then.
Yeah. The trouble is, though, the initials were on the original
when I valued it earlier this week.
Right. That's it. Cough up.
What?
Tink's Cartier watch.
Let's have it.
- Can't we do this later? - No. You lost. Let's have it.
I don't understand. Will someone please tell me what's going on?
- Tink, is this? - Yeah.
Mr Clean here forced Tink to sell his Cartier watch,
so we could raise Lovejoy's bail money.
Gordon!
- I don't believe I'm hearing this. - Yeah! And he told us not to tell you.
Well, come on. Don't try and tell us you don't have it.
He doesn't... I do.
He said it was a present.
I believe this is yours, Tink.
Darling...
- Look... it was just business. - Business?!
You've got gall, I'll give you that.
Darling, please, don't be silly.
Do me a favour, Gordon. Don't call me silly and don't call me darling!
Fine. I'll give you a ring.
No! Don't call me.
GORDON: OK. I'll see you.
God, I thought he was different. What a fool you must think I've been.
No more than usual, Charlotte.
It's part of your charm.
I didn't believe you. You could have gone to prison!
I still could.
(CAR DRIVES OFF)
(REFINED SCOTTISH ACCENT) 1850, English, that's quite nice,
Mr Douglas, quite nice.
If I wanted a view, I'd look out my window.
Look at the price, man!
Na, there's nothing here, I tell ye.
- Alan Tennyson. - Oh, aye.
- Finlay Dill. - Can I be of any help?
I rather have ma doots.
We're down from Scotland. Mr Douglas has bought himself a hoose in the Trossachs.
He'd like to fill it with real paintings. Cheap.
In that case, perhaps you'd be better off looking somewhere closer to home.
Oh, I know, but Mr Douglas likes a particular kind of portrait.
He'd like people to think that they're his ancestors, you ken what I mean?
He's trying to buy himself a family tree?
Aye, pathetic, isn't it?
See you, Dill. I'm not paying you to chatter! Move yourself.
- Right, sir. - What price range are we discussing here?
Price is no object, just so long as he feels he's getting a good deal.
Do you ken what I mean?
- Coming, Mr Douglas. - Good.
I don't like it. It's too close to home.
So we'll wait until they get back to Scotland.
Look, they're a couple of mug punters. It's simple.
You slip in the Mickey Finn and your brother does the business.
Just like Lovejoy.
Be at their hotel at four... and bring the original.
Aye, it's no' bad.
Still, 12,000 quid - it's a bit pricey.
Mr Tennyson, the man who owns the gallery where we had it valued,
seemed to think it would be worth a lot more.
Aye! He said you were in a rush to sell.
Yes, it's sad to have to give up part of one's inheritance.
Still, what can we do?
Look, we'd obviously insist you had it independently authenticated and valued.
Oh, that's not the problem.
It's what I'm paying him for. No, it's the price.
Well...
...11,500. We couldn't possibly accept less.
Done! ...So, is it kosher?
Well, I think it is,
but I'd like to have a wee look at it.
Of course.
MR DOUGLAS: Good idea, aye.
I think a wee dram's in order.
Is this some kind of a joke? It's a fake! A copy!
If that painting is 18th century, I'm an Englishman!
- What?! Are you sure? - Aye.
This is ridiculous. I mean, Mr Douglas, he's obviously not qualified.
Oh, he's qualified all right.
- Are you two trying to rip me off? - No, of course not.
Mark... Mark?
I'll have the law on you.
- Mark, say something. - I'm sorry.
There has been some sort of mistake. Something has happened.
- This is not our painting! No! - We'll have to check this out.
What?!
Where?
Lowestoft? What's he doing in Lowes?
Now, you listen. You tell him... Beth?
Lovejoy!
MAN: For Christ sakes! Your brother forges the bloody things.
Are you telling me he can't tell which is the original? Get back here, and quick!
Come on, come on!
You stupid idiot!
This has to be the one.
It has to be here!
(SHOUTING) Well, don't just stand there!
National Gallery, or have I got the wrong address?
- ANNA: Lovejoy! - The very same.
You, er, you lost something?
You bastard!
Yea-eah!
(YELLS)
Yea-eah!
(THEY GRUNT)
(SHRIEKS)
LOVEJOY: Tinker!
(POLICE SIREN APPROACHING)
And, of course, you're going to have a logical explanation for all this?!
I'm afraid it's rather lost its charm.
But thank you for getting it back.
Hmm.
Well, what are friends for, eh?
I really am sorry, Lovejoy.
I feel absolutely terrible about this.
Things aren't all bad. Tink got his watch back,
plus 1,200 quid, and you got rid of Gordon.
Yes, but what about the gong and the money you still owe Bridges?
Yeah, that is a problem.
But if you're serious about losing interest in the painting,
- there is something you can do. - What? Anything.
Well...
Do you remember Mr Vonk, that collector Scotch Doogie told us about?
The Belgian chap?
The one who'd pay 20 grand for the Orlowski, and no problem.
Lovejoy, are you suggesting I sell this
and we split the difference?
- Charlotte, would I suggest such a thing? - Yes.
You're right. He's in the kitchen.
(BONG!)
Quite fond of gongs, too.